JUNE

I always have this fantasy of having done something horrible and changing, so as to somehow gain forgiveness. Or if not forgiveness, being swiftly murdered by those I have wronged. I killed your family, woman, beat me to death with a rock while I lie here and take it. But I come to the thought that in order to do so, I must first do something horrible. And I don't want to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I've totally done horrible things. I did not mean to do them, or I did not see them as horrible at the time, but I am by no means perfect.

But I have never intentionally done wrong. I do recall, in fact, a certain debacle in which I strained a relationship, in the loosest meaning, to the breaking point, and miraculously pulled it back together a long time after. It did feel good to have that redemption, I must admit. It certainly feels good to confront ill feelings in others and oneself. We should all be more honest. This is growing muddled, though. More of a stream of consciousness than a single idea like I intended while writing this.

I am currently listening to Miles Davis' album "Big Fun." That is not what this entry is about. But it is worth noting I am always listening to music. Great background noise when I don't immediately have to listen to something else. But that is not what this entry is about. Yesterday night, I was watching a video by one Indigo White. She is an amateur porn star. As you may well imagine, it was a porn video. Why do I mention something personal like my porn habits? There's two answers to that question. One is that this is my website and everything on it is personal already. The other answer is that this video is not representative of my porn habits at all. I prefer to close my eyes and listen to slow-burner audio porn. A creative imagination will always be sexier than the visual reality.

But I won't let myself get sidetracked. I am writing about this Indigo White because, unlike other pornographic videos, just about all of hers include behind-the-scenes footage such as her setting up the scene, as well as her talking to the camera after the outro of every video. I don't usually watch that part. But yesterday I wasn't very interested in the porn half of the video anyway so I skipped to the other section. The immediate thing I noticed was that she blew her nose (she later explains it is because of allergies) and I thought about if I had ever seen someone blow their nose in porn before. Likewise, a section of the book Private Citizens by Tony Tulathimutte points out that it never rains in porn videos.

I don't watch the video sort of porn as often because I am left dissatisfied with it in all forms. But I was insanely captivated by Indigo White suffering from allergies and expressing that she didn't have the energy to do a post-video photoshoot. I considered the humanization effect from this but thought about how it contrasted with, say, interviews with porn stars. The sort of "hahaha yes mr porn director i do love taking it up the ass" thing that feels as scripted as everything else. I'm not seeing someone talk truthfully, I'm seeing another act. They are too cheery. Anyone can act cheery. I would like to see these porn stars choke on a kernel of popcorn or trip on the stairs, rather than make a youtube vlog. Shatter the illusion of the entertainer, or porn star, by showing the worst of yourselves. Not the smiley la la la nonsense, but the suffering, so at to be reminded these pieces of meat rubbing against other pieces of meat are actually human. Sincerity is more important than the best performance, to me. I don't mind the fake orgasms, that's just part of the act, but when I can see Indigo White "orgasming," suddenly stop to adjust the camera, and then go back to orgasming, I am captivated. The inherent fakeness of most porn that we've grown accustomed to makes any amount of realism seem special.

Explicitly violent scenes in movies, or even real life, can be hard to watch. Or they can be scary. Which is understandable. An especially realistic rape or murder. I imagine to most they are scary, picturing yourself as the victim.

To me, they are terrifying picturing myself as the perpetrator. I can't help it. I still must remind myself that I am not the rapist or the murderer that I so easily see myself as. That I, for so long, thought I would become. I do wonder how my life might be different if, overnight, I forgot all about my problems. The next day they reared their head, it would be a new experience for me. Would I still be so deep in my hopelessness without reminding myself that I have these problems? We may eventually become who we believe ourselves to be, and my self image is a bastardization.

I feel such loathing for those who, inadvertently or otherwise, pushed me down deeper with their evil words, goading me, poking me with a stick like a mistreated animal at a miserable zoo. But if I am any animal, I am an ass. How can I blame others for seeing me as such when I told them myself that I am? A monster.

I am better now. But some things have been irreversible. The old are, seemingly, a lost cause. My only friends now are the new, because they did not bare witness to the charcoal spew I had let forth when I was another person entirely. Save for one exception, some very old friends. They pulled me out of the pit.

I do not blame the others for casting me out like scum. I was scum. I am owed nothing simply because I have changed. I only look towards those who I have now. They remind me of who I really am.

I often find myself, when viewing some form of media, empathizing with whoever is most the object of hatred. The tragic villain. Perhaps because I see myself as a bad person. Putting myself in imaginary circumstances in which I've done something horrible and I want forgiveness. Because I want to be better. But how much evil can one bring into the world and still be worthy of forgiveness when the time comes and they repent.

Well I've just about finished my website. I just need to add some content and then I'll be totally done. Anyway I guess I can talk about what I'm working on here but I'm not really doing anything notewrothy at the moment. That is all.

i have always wanted to talk about me and my projects so now i will. ͡*˙

making a website is a lot of work

hello world! hopefully this will not be too much of a hassle to use! i stole the format from another website!

Addendum: It is too much of a hassle!!!!

Addendum #2: i think i figured it out