AUGUST

8/10/21

"Masturbation as a form of self harm." This phrase kept repeating in my head.

I have my reasons. I do not feel like explaining.

But then I thought to myself...

I should explain something first. In case I haven't explained before. I am always listening to audio. Some kind of noise. Music, or ASMR, or god knows what else. My brain has constant cravings for a specific noise or word or feeling. ASMR role plays have become more frequent. There are some specific ones. Listening to one, and putting myself into a certain imaginary position is nice. It is tough, however. Sometimes I need a very specific set of words or a certain tone of voice. Sometimes I don't know what I want. But there are absolutely some things I know I must not hear. Or I don't know, but I hear it and it hurts. For the past several nights, I have required echoed screaming. It was the sound occurring in my head and I wanted to hear it with my ears. Now there is context for the statement I was going to say.

But then I thought to myself... tonight, I put on the mental role of someone who is sex repulsed. So I search for audio to satiate this desire. I quickly find some such Asexual Comfort Roleplay and after some more searching, decide that this is the closest it's gonna get. I tell myself, though, that if he says the A-word, I'm going to scream (inside my head). He says it. I ignore it. He says it again. I decide I'll just be asexual for the next fifteen minutes. He sounds silly and goofy and cheesy. I associate these traits with a sincere personality, and a truly sincere person can say anything they want to me as long as they mean well. This voice told me that I feel "weird and left out" and instead of being horrified that he would force these traits upon me, I ignore his mistake. I have another audio I often listen to because of the seemingly sincere tone. Too many audios sound vicious and evil and depraved to me because the overly sweet, cheery, positive attitude sounds too insincere and scripted. Not this one. The voice says something about not needing to be specifically defined, and how my feelings can change from day to day. I know this to be true, about a lot of things. A smile creeps across my face. Tears form in my eyes. But as the smile widens, it becomes twisted and malformed and I stop smiling because it feels unnatural. But then I smile a bit again, and then I stop. I get lost in the fantasy. I am the character.

Every single night, a search. Is this coherent or am I deranged?

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Oh, and my Shrekfest submission is nearly complete.