JANUARY

I had three separate dreams about a man named Bill Williams. He insisted the dollar bill was named after him. And he killed many many people.

I am masturbating. There is now an image of a character from an unknown-to-me japanese video game being disemboweled, while she is screaming and crying. I speed up my masturbation. Naturally, it might be assumed it is because I am more aroused. I am not sexually aroused by gore porn and probably never was, taking into account how squeamish I am and how nauseated I often was while viewing it. Even while masturbating, it was less of an enjoyable thing and more that I wanted it to be over as soon as possible. I imagine it may have started as a mild interest because gore art's interesting to look at but I often would equate a regular interest with a sexual interest and it spiraled out from there. For a long time I thought "the more extreme the fetish is, the sexier it is" and if that's true then I'll masturbate to the most extreme fetishes I can dream of and if I'm masturbating to extreme pornography then it must be true and so this line of circular reasoning continued. It's a strange thing to admit I had fallen under the spell of this particular delusion for so long, but I have deluded myself into believing a lot of things over the years. I believed I would inevitably lose control of my own actions and rape and/or kill someone some day. I believed any insane thought that passed through my head was true without question. Things are more clear now. Other things are less clear, because I think more now.

One might ask oneself "what would a more righteous person do in my situation?" But the answer is, of course, "a more righteous person would not be in my situation." Moral dilemmas often. Being a good person is daunting. At any moment, I can draw the line and say everything before was me as a bad person, but now I am ready for good. But then I make another mistake. Draw a new line. Before was just a remnant of my past bad self. But now I am clean. Mistake. Line. Mistake. Line. You see the problem? Change must be made, but how do I constantly think "would a good person be doing this?" every second of every day?

I forget again and again.

I've been very lazy recently. I'm unable to work on anything. I haven't completed anything worthwhile in perhaps three months. Nothing is getting done. That I write this at all is a considerable feat.

I've been thinking about animation. I'm becoming familiar with the full process by viewing works in progress and such. I see now that a good final product comes only after a lot of work. A lot.

No more does the careless pursuit of fulfilling every hedonistic desire thrill me. I need to suffer more. Maybe I'll become a Buddhist.

As a creator, it's your job to take the idea you have and lay out enough puzzle pieces for the audience to complete the picture. You've seen the full picture, so maybe you don't accurately gauge how many pieces the audience needs. On the other hand, give too many pieces out and there's no room for guessing, which to me is the fun part. Death of the author and all that. As much as everything I make is so completely intertwined with my being, I want others to find their own meaning in it. I want the people who have their own puzzle pieces to fit them in and say "Yes, this fits. I see a picture." Some artsy whoever said something like "art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable," or maybe it was the other way around, but anyway that's the basic idea. I wonder if I'm repeating myself. So many thoughts and ideas churn in my head for so long, I don't know what I've already said or not... My brain runs forever. The gears are always turning. I can't sit down and relax. My thoughts wander immediately. I close my eyes and I still see pictures dancing across my vision. What a pain.

Google locked me out. I'll likely move all my videos to Newgrounds, or some other alternative if possible.

Edit 3/7/21: I have retrieved my account and taken measures to prevent that from happening again.