JUNE

6/19/21

Consider this. I'm a good person / I'm a proper person / I'm a correct person / I'm a right person. Fill in the blank. A combination of phrases that present an idea of what the actual word should be. Fill in the blank. I'm a ____ person. I don't know the word but I know the meaning.

The true phrase, though, is I'm almost a ____ person. I hold the capacity for this vague quality, but do not yet have it. You might think of some such respectable individual as being good or righteous or wise or whatever else. They would be this sort of person. and I am almost there. I could be there, if I were "complete." This is the real quality I wish to possess. I wish to be complete. If I'm a complete person, then I possess these other qualities.

This idea of completeness has been with me a long time. In fact, I formed most of these words yesterday. I could give a lot of different explanations about what it means to me to be complete, and I did write them down when I wrote the rest of this as well, but today, while writing it all down in one coherent chunk, I realized something. Nobody is complete. They only seem that way. Nobody is perfect. You are just ignoring their negatives. I've met a handful of people I mistook for complete individuals, but I realize now it wasn't that I only later saw they were not complete; it's that completeness doesn't exist. My measure of completeness is based only off of myself, and so a complete individual can only be someone who I see as an improved version of myself. I just want to be better.

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I believe my brain does not operate in a way that most people's brains do. It is too hard to explain how I think. Frustrating at times. There are all these connections and feelings and ideas and though processes. They are unique to me and impossible to explain. I feel so many ways about things.