MARCH

3/15/21

Nothing used to faze me but now everything revolts me.

Yesterday i was reading, or at least trying to read, a story and this question irked me. I imagined myself as a pile of oranges and how I might fall apart and roll around. The mental image, for reasons beyond my understanding, caused my entire body to shudder in repulsion. And then the same night, I felt a pressure on the inside of my elbow.That is where the veins are, I thought to myself. Do you know the feeling of nausea you get in your stomach? I felt nausea in my arm. I closed my eyes and talked myself down from the feeling. And then again, my feet were falling asleep so I started to flex them to make the blood flow. But then I imagined blood flowing through my veins, and again repulsion.

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There is another matter to touch on, but I am still confused and disoriented. I do not like to speak on a half-formed thought. Months thinking about it and still no satisfying conclusion.

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I went back and read old writings from myself. Large blocks of text, wasted. I have no memory of writing them or feeling the feelings described in them, as if I am reading a stranger's diary. It would be a shame to let all that work go to waste. I will try to find a way to make use of it without feeling disingenuous.