September 3
I think it was about a decade ago when my... fixation... first reared its head. Maybe it was always there. I don't know. But there was one moment that acted as a catalyst. There was an episode of Ed, Edd, N Eddy where one of the Eds (I don't know which is which) gets this robot toy with sharp teeth and it bites a hole in the short one's stomach. He reaches a hand through and says "your toy ate my breakfast" or something. I don't remember the details so well but the hole-in-stomach gag stuck with me for quite some time.

That night, I was sitting in bed, still thinking about the stomach hole. I put both of my hands on my chest and pushed inwards. Perhaps if I push hard enough, I thought, my stomach will open up and I will have my own stomach hole. Obviously, It didn't work. I went to sleep, unsatisfied.

A few days later, it was night and I was in bed again. I snuck downstairs into the kitchen and grabbed one of the larger knives out of the utensil drawer. I was a dumb kid and wasn't thinking straight, I guess. I pressed the tip against my stomach, determined to make a hole all the way through my chest.

Immediately after putting pressure on it, I dropped the knife and grabbed the small cut I'd made on my stomach, sucking in through my teeth.

After wetting a paper towel and dabbing at the wound, I put a bandage over it and went to bed. I yelled at myself in my head for considering the idea in the first place, but more so I yelled at the universe for giving me nerves to feel pain.

A week or two after that, after the cut had healed, I took a marker and draw a big circle on my chest. I colored it in to the best of my ability and pretended it was a real stomach hole. Every time it started to fade, or I took a shower and it washed off, I would draw it on again. Nostalgic laugh For a long time, I had a black circle on my chest. The first time my parents saw, they asked about it and I explained that it was my stomach hole. Then, I pushed my hand against it and pretended my hand came out my back. They laughed about it, which made me angry, but I didn't know why. I probably interpreted their laughter as derisive. They must have assumed I was playing a childish imagination game because they didn't ask about it again. I wanted so badly to have a stomach hole and this was the closest I could get.

I think I stopped drawing the hole on my chest after... six... or seven months... but the idea never left my mind. For my birthday the next year, I blew out my candles and wished for a stomach hole. The year after that, I wished for a stomach hole again. And again. And again. And again.

Once, for the holidays, I asked for the usual toys and candy and games as presents, and tacked on "surgical procedure to put a big hole in my stomach like in cartoons" at the bottom of my wish list. I pretended it was a joke request, but I wanted it more than anything else on that list.

I didn't get the present I wanted most. So, I turned to God to grant me my one request. When even the Lord betrayed me, I tried every other possibility I could think of. Anything flying across the sky, I prayed that it give me a stomach hole, just in case it was a shooting star. Every morning and every night at 10:10, 11:11, and 12:12, stomach holes were my wish. Every quarter tossed in every wishing well was a donation to the Give Me A Stomach Hole Foundation. But it was hopeless.

Or so I thought.

This morning, I woke up at around 11 AM. Waking up so late always puts me in a sour mood, but I decided it's better to get up late than not at all, so I pulled off the covers. And that's when I noticed my stomach hole. I did a double take, thinking I was still half asleep. But there it was. And I was elated.

I jumped up and looked in the mirror. I could see the wall behind me through the wall. I contorted my body every which way watching the hole. It was spectacular! Then I thought about actually sticking my hand through. I put my hand up to it and counted down in my head to move my hand to go through the hole. But I got to 0 and didn't move. It was too weird. Another day, I thought. I don't even know what to say know. I'm still processing this wave of emotions. It's like... the one thing I've always wanted and now I'm getting it and there's nothing left to do anymore. It's crazy.

September 4
Hole-y cow, I was almost scared it would disappear when I went to sleep. But now it's still here. All in all, things aren't that different now that I'm used to it. Though it feels like something that's been missing for a long time, or rather not missing, is now here. Pretty great.

September 9
I'm tired of this hole. It's not right. What's the point? I wanted one thing for so long, now I've got it, and now what? I'm not a better person for it. It's just a stupid wish. Wish granted. What about in the future? Nobody can see the hole. I'm a freak. What if someone saw it and tried to put their hand through it. Nobody can EVER put their hand through it. Never ever ever. I can't go swimming. I can't take off my shirt. Even if I'm in the pool with a shirt on, the water will get in me.

I can't go to the doctor. What would a doctor say if they saw my stomach hole? What if they tried to close it. I hate this hole. But I can't touch it. Nobody can touch it. Or look at it. I'm gonna cover it up with bandages or cardboard or something. I don't want to see it myself. What if I'm on a date? What if she asks something like "what's something special about you?" and I blurt out "my stomach hole" by accident. Or we've been going steady for a few months, and she invites me back to her place, and things are getting steamy, and I take off my shirt and SHE SEES MY STOMACH HOLE. I didn't think any of this through when I was wishing for a stomach hole all those times. How am I gonna live with myself? I'm dead. I'm fucking dead.

September 11
I didn't close my hole. If I closed the front, I'd have to close the back, and I don't know how to close the back, so I'd have a big gaping chunk out of my back and no front. It's better to leave the whole thing alone. Don't touch it, don't look at it, don't think about it. I'm gonna be fine, I think. Just gotta go one day at a time.

September 12
I think I was just in shock. There's nothing wrong with the hole. It's a beautiful hole. It needs more holes. I need more holes. I need more holes.

September 13
I am ecstatic! I woke up this morning, went to the mirror (to admire my hole), and there was another one. Right above the stomach hole was one below my collar bone. It's about half the size, but beggars can't be choosers. Although a few more holes wouldn't hurt. I hope I'm not being too greedy.

September 14
Something out in the cosmos must really like me because I have two more holes on my chest. Not only that, but I saw one through my arm and there's a few smaller holes on my thighs. All the way through! I've been looking in the mirror all day. I was marking all the holes with a marker to count. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... I think it's 15 in all. I might need more...

September 15
I couldn't count today. There were holes all across my front, my back, my arms, my legs. A hole on the front goes all the way to the back so I'd have to count everything and divide by two. Call me Mr. Swiss because I'm COVERED in holes. I'm just so giddy. This is more than I ever thought I would get out of life. It's like I have a brand new body to admire. I haven't done much but stand in front of a mirror or sleep. I haven't really been eating these past few days, I realized. I'm not really hungry. I think I want more mirrors to look at myself from different angles but I don't think I can leave my house anymore. I might scare people, because of the holes. I think this was a good trade though. I've got holes all over. I feel lighter. I feel BETTER.

September 21
My arm is a web of thin strings of skin surrounded by holes. I can feel the fabric of the carpet inside me with every step. The air passing through me with every movement. There are holes all around my legs. I see how they intersect each other. Long tunnels through my legs. I am a vessel for holes that happens to have some body parts attached.

September 22
There is a hole in my cheek now. Two, actually. It went all the way through to the other cheek. I can see my teeth when my mouth is closed. But now I'm thinking, isn't my mouth kind of like a hole? It goes all through my body. And my ears are small holes. Even my eyeholes, but they're covered by eyes. Now that I think about it, my skin was holes just covered by skin. If I'd taken the initiative, I could have had all these holes much sooner. Why didn't I? A little pain? I didn't understand at the time what I was missing. My eyes are blocking me from having two more holes right now. I just need a knife or a melon baller or something to get these balls out of my head. I have so many holes yearning to breathe, yet to be free. I need to take the initiative.