angel encounter journal entry + related entries
1 February 2022 - Transcribed from handwritten entry
Every night I hope I
will meet an angel.
Or a devil. I just
want company. I think
I'm lonely. I wonder.
if angels / devils go
on night walks too.
Someone ran up
to me . From behind.
Lately I feel more reassured
by people than the absence
of them. I am scared
and in the darkness everything
looks like a person.
To know there really is
a person makes it
less scary.
He came up from behind.
I think it was a he.
He had curly-ish hair.
I couldn't see the color
in the darkness.
Maybe light brown.
Thin . Pretty face .
Wearing a top and a bottom.
Pants. I'm not good
at describing clothing.
A top is just a shirt to me.
I asked him if he was
a demon. I think
this is a reasonable
inquiry because I have
been having many
supernatural dreams
lately and pretty people
do not approach me.
He said he was an
angel, actually. I
asked him what
kind of angel he was.
He asked me to clarify.
I asked what the
arrangement was, how he
worked, what he could do.
He asked me what kind
of person I am. I
thought about it for
a moment . I said
"I understand your point."
pause... "What differentiates
you from me?" He
asked what I'm like.
Once again, I understood.
I slowly formed my sentences.
"I can't fly. Can you fly?
I can't... can you
make objects, I mean
can you hold, uh,
can you give me an
object that isn't
currently in your
immediate vicinity?"
He produced a flowerfrom
behind his back.
Neat trick. I asked
him to produce a bouquet of
blue flowers, but with...
I couldn't decide, one or two...
two yellow flowers.
He did. I put my hand
up, paused , "can I touch
you?" He said of
course, as much as I
want.I put my arm
around him like
we were old friends .
Suddenly, I don't know
why, an immediate instinct.
"How far c- as much as
I want, right?"
He nodded. I put
my hand to his crotch.
It was smooth, I
held him there with
my hand, stroking lightly
with my middle finger.
His expression hardly changed.
It almost seemed like a
smile might hatch from
the egg that was his
face , but no, stillborn.
I stopped. We kept walking,
but I didn't have my arm
around his shoulder anymore.
I forgot to mention -->
I asked if he could grant
all my desires, he asked
what they were.
I said shouldn't angels
just know? He said
if I tell him what they
are, he will fulfill them.
I said I don't want
him to fulfill them all at
once . this line of
conversation ended.
Also I noticed his
hands were thinner
than mind [sic].
I stopped to write
all of this down
just now and he
has not moved or
made a sound.
Now we will continue
walking.
I fear if I don't
write it down, I will
forget it all, like
a dream I have just
woken up from.
Both times when we stopped
walking, I thought I
still heard footsteps behind us.
Angel is gone.
Maybe he was never here.
____________________________
I feel something behind me
Yes I often do.
but it feels like
the angel .
Like something
pressing against
my back.
I don't know.
Maybe it is the usual
feeling after all.
I saw this
(Scanned and cleaned from hand drawn image)
I turned back.
I can't
If I look
behind me
they will
kill me.
15 April 2022 I often see or hear things in my dreams that I desperately want to remember but they evaporate from my mind when I wake up. Once, for instance, I remember dreaming (see journal entry from 2 february 2021) of a strange amusement park. There was this animatronic singer behind a curtain and it sang a song to me, but I forgot the words to it when I woke up. It felt important for some reason. I wonder sometimes if angels are trying to send me urgent messages in my dreams but they gave up because I am so forgetful and useless. 16 April 2022 - Excerpt from longer entry [...] In my mind, I don't imagine someone truly flawless. I would prefer to imagine them being on the same level of scumminess as me so that neither of us would be burdeoned by the anxiety of being looked down upon by the other. That, or they are inhuman and have no standards. Some sort of angel creature. No brain, only love and telling me exactly what I want to hear at all times. [...] 17 February 2022 - Transcribed from handwritten entry I was out looking I saw someone scary. But then. Something. The ritual for contact is extremely I don't know what to do. 20 February 2022 - Transcribed from handwritten entry I was lying down, on my back. 25 May 2022 My guardian angel forced me out of bed at 1am to exericise. I needed it. 26 May 2022 My guardian angel scolded me for a long time about all the ways in which I need to improve my life. I need to exercise more. And eat better. And clean. And brush my teeth more often. And shower more often. And get more sleep. And help people. And take initiative. Gosh, it was a long list. Angels were in my sexual fantasies tonight. Surely angels know everything I am thinking at all times but I did not perceive any reaction. The angel can inhabit multiple angel bodies but it's the same angel. I love my angel. I feel like a better person. It's all me. The angel only uses words. 27 May 2022 Obviously I am not stupid. Or deranged. Or crazy. Or deluded. I know my guardian angel is not real. It's in my head. It only tells me things I already know. It is representative of the uncompromising subconscious voice of self improvement, personified as a perfect being who can provide me with adequate motivation. It doesn't make the motivation any less powerful. 29 May 2022 - Excerpt from longer entry [...] The angel voice gets quieter each day. [...] 6 June 2022 All of a sudden I remembered that one night when I met that thing that claimed to be an angel. He didn't protect me. I asked my guardian angel if he was a real angel. My guardian angel stared at me blankly for a very long time and then its eyes started shimmering wetly and it came closer and started apologizing over and over and saying he wasn't an angel. I don't want to think about this anymore. |