I am a clown. I think I'm a clown at least. I always understood what a clown was and is as a concept from an outsider's viewpoint. You've probably seen a clown before in person, or at least a picture of one. But when I take this label and ask myself if it applies to me, it becomes unclear.

What does it mean to be a clown? I wear clown makeup sometimes. I don't have a clown outfit, but I like to wear silly clothes. Then again, what are clown clothes? This is less clear. You know what stereotypical clown clothes look like but is an outfit of sufficient silliness enough? Does a clown have to wear silly clothes? I don't wear big shoes and I don't have a polka dotted suit. I only have the makeup and a big red clown nose. Then again, this brings up another topic. There are clown costumes. You can put it on and look like a clown. This implies that wearing the outfit doesn't necessarily make you a real clown. A clown is not the clothes alone.

If one is a clown, are they still a clown when they take the makeup off? Can a clown do clown actions without the costume? What action can one perform that tells others they are a clown if they aren't wearing a clown getup? Is it enough to feel inside that you surely are a clown, or must you perform your clownness so that other people know you are a clown, too?

What is this hypothetical clown feeling, if I don't know what being a clown is anyway? I have no point of reference to compare what I'm feeling to a true clown. I know only that what I feel is what I feel.

I don't juggle and I don't ride a unicycle, but I sometimes make balloon animals. It is not out of a desire to emulate clownery though; it is nothing more than a fun party trick. I usually don't want to "act" like a clown because I'm simply not interested in activities associated with clowns. I do not dress in stereotypical clown clothes either, because I would feel ridiculous. When I put on the makeup, I like to wear something somewhat absurd but plausible. The nose looks good, but it gets in the way of eating and sometimes falls off so I don't always wear it.

Some people are afraid of clowns. Though I would never have considered people could fear clowns of all things if it were not already a known phobia, because I have nothing against clowns, I can understand in retrospect why clowns might make someone feel uneasy: A clown as one may know it is uncanny valley given life. The uncanny valley is, after all, something almost human but not quite. A clown is a human that doesn't quite look or act human. You know there is a human being behind the character but you don't know. I'm not sure how long people have been afraid of clowns but maybe the story of John Wayne Gacy was a factor. At the time, he was not yet known as a serial killer. He was only a clown for hire. The serial killing was new information. People who had hired him for parties may have seen his name in the papers afterwards and been quite shocked. Suddenly, clowns aren't harmless anymore. You don't know who or what is behind the character or what their motives are. That's not to say I think it's logical or right, but I understand it. You might be amused to find that clowns take this stigma seriously, and you will often find clowns working hard to counteract this negative view, but why should it be amusing to you to hear that a group is disturbed by their own villainization.

Clown hysteria is mostly a bygone fad now anyway, or at least I hope so. And either way, why does it matter to me? I have never been a professional clown. Never have I felt firsthand how that affected the lives and jobs of real clowns. But then, just now I have distanced myself from "real clowns." I don't see myself as a real clown after all. I don't do clown things. There is only an imitation of a clown copying the look. But I am a clown, right? Even if I am not a "real" one because I am not a clown in the way I have always been taught a clown is. Why does it matter if this label applies to me or not? Often, I will say that labels are pointless and confusing, but we all know that their purpose is to neatly place you in a box so you have that confidence in who you are. If I am not confident in who I am, how can I be sure of anything at all? Whether or not I am a clown is the most important question in the world.

The "scary clown" phenomenon aside, one blow to the reputation of clowns that annoys me personally is the use of "clown" as a derogatory term. Nothing is more discouraging to hear than being told derisively that I am "literally a clown," usually followed by some form of mocking laughter. Yes, I am a clown. So what? Why is that funny to you? I mean, I know clowns are considered to be funny. I think of myself as a funny person, at least sometimes. But it is not because I'm a clown.

I rarely wear my clown makeup outside because I get stared at, and I don't like the attention I receive for it. I want to be seen as a normal person, who just so happens to be a clown.

But am I really a clown, or do I just wear the makeup of a clown? Is it possible to feel like a clown? Probably not. Being a clown is a profession, and maybe also a hobby. It is easy to say you're a clown when you do it for others. Clowning is a part of your identity because it is something you are doing. Am I doing "being a clown" properly by myself?

When I say I am a clown, I mean that I adore the aesthetic look of clowns, and I apply the nebulous concept of "clown" onto myself because it seems right. I like the culture of clowns but not as an active participant. Children are generally easily entertained, and it feels good to make people laugh, so I understand the appeal of the performance aspect of clowning. That is not to say that clowns only do children's parties. There are rodeo clowns too. And circus clowns, of course. There are many varieties of clown. In the end, what it means to be a clown is subjective, because there are different ways to be a clown.

I am not a party clown or a circus clown or a rodeo clown, but I am another sort of clown. I perform for myself, because it feels good to do so. In the future, I may perform publicly too, because I am a performer at heart. I may even decide one day I don't want to be a clown after all. That's okay. My experience as a clown, or as what I so choose to label a clown, is my own. Just as there are a multitude of configurations of clown makeup personal to each clown, so too is the experience different for every one.